LIFE AS A POLLYWOG

Distractions of Mind

2011-10-30T12:45:00.002-05:00

We're inquisitive, curious creatures. We are wired to imagine, conceptualize, solve, contemplate, judge, analyze... think! If you're not skilled in the art of meditation (a most clever distration), your mind rebels against the state of boredom as much as it might pain and stress. It fights the vacuum of nothing... no work to accomplish, no activity to busy, no games to win (even if you're not playing), no questions to answer, no image to congure, no media to process. For most of us - again, giving some allowance to the one supposed voluntary activity that may actually switch off the brain for a time, meditation - the mind is a relentless processor. Passively or actively, it must consume the sensory input, to a point of overload. In this context, we have the brain fillers, some are substantive. Most are empty distractions. It's identifying and eliminating the empty ones, not entirely, but to achieve a better balance in my life. This effort deserves my pen today.

13 years ago I eliminated the most powerfully effective mind distraction of them all: religion. The before and after states were sharp in contrast. Completely rich in its ability to pervade and connect every thought and action to a base, after Mormism, the mind void was dizzying. Not surprising are the quick and easy distractions that followed for years. I have stemmed that tide. And while I find great peace of mind knowing my thoughts are not littered with the mystical, my mind begs for healthy, fulfilling distraction.

Vonnegut might use the word distraction considering his long standing question of why there aren't more suicides in the world. In the face of imminent death, all we can hope for are things to distract us, almost minute by minute at times. That is why I still have a twinge of envy for my religious, thinking counterparts. Most religion neatly fills the evolved circuitry that spawns all those "whys" and magically hides death behind a pearly vale. And finally, religion hangs the weight of eternity on all the right hooks in our mind adding more meaning and purpose than a brain can ever hope to process.

While I must grant the yogis (meditation) and monks (religion) the advantage, I'll take it as a challenge that this atheist can fill my mind, and hence, life, with an array of substantive, healthy distractions that a future reflective mind must declare: at least it was real.

g

Grandpa Frodsham

2011-10-30T07:39:00.002-05:00

Hmph. It hurt to write that title. It's a new label. I have grandkids. Mormon kids mulitplying. I just have to accept it. I love 'em, though time spent together is very short. Miles and Ella. They lay sweetly in my heart without effort. They're in a tough world. But, that's not new. They'll be ok with smarts, determination, goodness. Recalling their baby smiles makes for mine. I hope they find me... intriguing someday when they're still young, and wonder...

The Depths of My Skepticism

2009-10-10T22:56:00.009-05:00

I get that feeling that makes me want to laugh and cry all at once when I think of the history of pride and folly of those who have claimed to know that they have this wondrous, unimaginably expansive universe comprehended to a degree that they dare convince others of their grand insight into some theory of why, and for what purposes, there is anything at all. Audacity in its most grand and ruinous form! To those preachers who testify from pulpits with the most reverent and emotional voice, to those armchair philosophers (and even the truly profound ones) who write the most eloquent metaphysical prose, to those great scientists who discover 17 (and counting) sub-atomic particles and 10 dimensions, allow me to put it this way: since leaving behind that most convenient ability - called unquestioning faith - most humans have that allows them to sink their whole life in whatever load of BS was poured into their brain when they were 3 years old, you've never been close to explaining it in way that will ever make me a "believer" again. So if you have heard God whispering in your heart, if all your curiosities and musings have been resolved in Kant, if you're convinced of the Finitude from Experiments and Equations, enjoy the illusion. I'll be spending my time on more meaningful activities... like making sweet love to my wife.

g

Mountains of Love

2009-02-14T23:04:00.002-06:00

She sits only a few feet away from me, the most beautiful creature I'll ever know. The beautiful part is easy to see. It keeps my mind riveted on her like my old dog Boo who couldn't take his eyes off a handful of chickens for hours and hours at a time. So many that come near her are a witness to this natural fact as demonstrated not a few times tonight by furtive glances among a room full of fellow ballroom dance beginners. But beyond the beauty there's a side to this woman that only I can truly attest to. Her insights and honesty about how things really are in this crazy world, her wisdom of relationships, her passions for learning and teaching, her joys in family, her delights in finding the best parts of life, her fight to keep things true and fair, all these and so much more blend with her incredible physical beauty to make her the most amazing person I'll ever know as well. Not father nor brother nor dear sister will ever know her like I do. And more thrillingly, no man will be the recipient of her great love as long as I live. For I don't doubt that I will love her devotely all my days. And in this devotion, I will be the luckiest man on earth as she continues to choose a life with me and to truly bless my life by simply being the most amazing and wonderful partner I could ever hope to have.

A year has past since cleaving
Parent and sibling and friends
But in this most sad leaving
Heart's choice and hope's sweet ends

To plain and ground so fertile
Soul's mate she's now a part of
A journey they deem most worthwhile
To build and climb mountains of love

Happy Valentine's Day, LOML <3

The Universe and Andrew Bird at 2AM in Tucson

2008-12-28T03:17:00.003-06:00

I see it's been over a year since I posted anything. No one seems to be commenting on my absence which leaves only me to be distraught about where I've been lately. That's alright - as Andrew Bird confirms - we are all basically alone anyway. Well, onto the universe and my immeasurabely miniscule part in it.

Perhaps the reason why I'm blogging again is that feeling of pollywoginess that hit me yesterday after reading the top 10 mysteries of the universe, at least according to some pulp online science writer looking for a clever way to warm up old material. Still, the list left me pondering the very topic, especially as it ended with the biggest mystery being the universe itself. With that, I should quit but I'll give myself some liberty to spew meaningless thoughts at 2:00 AM in Tucson Arizona.

So get this. There's a lot we don't understand about the universe. a Lot. I really get the feeling that we have about 1/100th - just to throw out a figure - of it really figured out and never will make that much gain on the 99th part left. When the question is "what makes for gravity" my little mind just gives a little giggle. Granted, we've done well giving ourselves some very handy technologies that have come from understanding the little bit we've scratched off the grimmy surface of all that could be known of the universe. But face it: we're stuck. We're stuck with a lot of limitiations like intelligence (which messes with just how much is "knowable" for us pions in the first place), time, sample size (just one little planet!) to figure this whole big universe out. I just don't think we'll ever be up for it and that's giving ourselves the credit we deserve for expanding knowledge for the last 500 years and getting one percent there. Of course, I'm not qualified to judge any of this, but who is? Besides, it's all silliness considering the path of humanity is on a trajectory to oblivion. Or, just maybe, there will be that self-aware singularity event for computers and all that's contained in my brain will be transfered to a computer where I'll "live" in a memory bank on a spaceship that escapes the solar system as "humanity" immegrates across the Milky Way. Nah! I'm a nihilist to the bitter end.

Better Than I've Ever Been

2007-10-21T21:02:00.001-05:00

I recall a period in my life as a boy full of happiness, and innocence. I was about 11, a year or so before puberty ran head long into Mormon commandments and wreaked havoc on my tender conscious, before life began to truly pull me beyond the provincial boundaries of my childhood. I had the world at my feet or at least 100,000 acres of rocky mountains out the back door of the modified A-frame set upon a sagebrush-strewn hill 3 miles west of Woodruff, Utah. With a lunch pale in my right hand and Smokey the dog running scout, I spent my hours in the dusty foothills of the Wasatch range. How ideal a boyhood I lived, I wouldn't understand until years later. This time has become a calibration point for my life, a gauge to judge all future happiness by. Except for a typical overstimulated imagination of ghosts and monsters, and the occasional nerve-wracking piano recital, my mind and body were at peace. My whole being positively resonated with my parents, family, friends, church, community and environment. My life was as whole and complete as a boy's life could be.

After many years and many experiences, both good and bad (and beyond summary here), I am returning to that place of peace and happiness. In fact, with the experience that brings contrast, I believe that I am in a state of being better than any other I have yet be.

My journey back to integrity and wholeness has been long and difficult, encompassing 3 decades, gaining education, going on a Mormon mission, getting married, having 4 children, building a career, leaving Mormonism, establishing a new creed, divorcing, and finally, finding love again. Each of these segments could take chapters, blogs and blogs, to cover in any detail to give the topic justice. Each passage has shaped me tremendously, of course, but above all the major events two great realizations had to take place for me to write truthfully about this blogs central thesis.

Firstly, I am at complete peace with my worldview and all the philosophical implications of that mindset. My picture of reality is no doubt incomplete and skewed but at least it is stripped of the magical roots and fantastical imaginations that color the thinking of more than 90% of human minds. I no longer believe nor have to defend belief. I try to see through the lens of science on most every aspect of living, and skeptically at that. Outside of amusing myself with philosophical musings, I can't get passed the only "Why" question that really matters: why is there anything at all. Since I can't answer that one, no other why question deserves serious consideration. I marvel and wonder at this reality I find myself in but that is all. If life extends somehow beyond this one, I will expect some answers, but I'm not counting on it. I live by simple creeds such as to live honestly and without hypocrisy. I bloody my toe as I stumble across my own ideals and values, but they are at least mine to cuss.

In this state of mind, this solid, secure and peaceful way of viewing and living my reality, I am loved. This new creature that is me, as strange and foreign to what I first became from that happy seedling of a man, is not only known and accepted, but loved as deeply and completely as I have ever been loved. Magnificently, my own ability to love reflects upon her, my beloved, in seemingly endless forms and ways. Body, mind and emotion are taken to new and unimaginable heights of happy being. I am a product of Love's power to heal and change. I am challenged by its demand to be selfless and give all that I have to follow its path, the most rewarding of all paths. I am left in awe at the very nature of this thing called love.

I have found myself. I know myself. I am at peace in my own skin, in my own mind. Everyone should find this peace. That I should have this and find the love of my life is extraordinary indeed, and makes me the luckiest of men. To start a new life with her with so much hope, confidence and peace is to truly be in the best place I have ever been.

And God Said Let Them Meet

2007-08-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

God was miserable. He had been for some time, 8 billion years or so give or take a billion. Of course, a trillionth of a second into this particular universe He'd seen the misery coming. Despite endless, timeless thought - imagining, formulating, and calculating - here He was stuck with yet another reality gone wrong. Automatic creation machines, as He liked to think of them, were always tough when it came to the high end creations - intelligent beings. For dozens of universes now He'd simple written them out of the laws, never allowed for the possibility. But He always came back to these creatures as they presented the most challenge. Allowing for god-like attributes, especially the illusion of free will, is tricky business even for God. Finding just the right recipe to produce a universe full of happy, self aware (let's not forget mortal!) beings is the work of gods and it's far from a trivial feat as you can imagine. Besides, He grew tired of the predictable garden variety universes growing infinite combinations of mindless things, self-generated as they were by His ingenious evolutionary contraptions.

He was miserable in this particular universe for two basic reasons. The first was a problem with the intelligence density quotient He'd baked into this formulate. It was much too sparse. This had been known up front, of course, but then He planned that the generated intelligence would end up finding existential happiness much more frequently than it did. His risky experiment had gone awry and, hence, the misery: intelligent life wasn't showing up all that often and when it did, well, it just couldn't get around to finding all that much happiness.

After sulking for a few billion years, He wandered His mind over to a rather quiet little corner, and gloomily began observing a tiny little sprout of a place that, for its size and location, was growing the most promising species of intelligent beings He'd come upon thus far (yes, the rest of His creation was that bad!). Now, it was a far cry from what He'd originally hoped would come around but he thought with a little nudging here and there He could greatly boost the happiness levels. After all, their happiness was His happiness.

The great mind of God was thus engaged, bored and discouraged as He'd been so far, planet earth became his little obsession. Without changing His own fundamental laws too much as not to violate Himself (something really not possible for the nature of God), He set about making the most of this universe by maximizing the general happiness of the human species. Sadly there wasn't much to work with at this point in their evolution. The planet's consumption ratio was a little off leaving a rather nasty streak of self preservation habits in the human race. Along with a severe lack of altruism to counterbalance it, God had his work cut out.

Swirling in the mist of muons and bosons, giving extra spin to fermions, tweaking the strong force, massaging the orbits of electrons, he began making atoms and molecules dance like tiny puppets on invisible strings. There were many, many games He learned to play with these humans over the millennium but his favorite quickly became the love game, one of the surest ways for people to find true happiness. With each new humans born - the starting point for the game to begin - countless opportunities presented themselves to God as how to bring people together to find love and happiness. The trick for God was to keep the illusion of free will intact. He forced Himself to put at least 5 degrees of freedom, or independent acts of "choice", between one nudge to the next. Within these Self-imposed rules, He found challenge: given almost infinite outcomes, it was difficult for even God to bring together two people even if He wanted to. It was God's ultimate juggling act, all in the name of happiness (and His amusement).

On September 20th, 1964 a baby was born. Ten years, eleven months and eight days later another little human was born, just two more unique combinations of elements this universe had produced since its beginning. But on that day God took notice, smiled and said... Let Them Meet.

Living in a Temporal World

2007-07-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

I've lost a few things in my lifetime. Big things. Things I'll never regain either. That's life I suppose. In the end, I'll lose my life. I am living temporarily in this very temporal world. Between now and that day I want to live happily despite the loss I've already had and the losses that will inevitably come.

My first loss was a pet, a sweet but veracious rat terrier that I knew since I was 4 years old. My grandpa hit him accidentally one day. I heard about it after school and I cried all the way home and well into that night. Smokey will always be my favorite pet. He accompanied me often in the hills surrounding my home.

Soon after Smokey died, I lost my sense of innocence. It's such a natural loss for almost all adolescent boys but made more acute by a very religious upbringing. I carried that loss and the associated guilt for many many years. I think my brain could have been trained better to minimize this particular loss. I can't blame my Mormon parents. They did the best that they could.

Passion Fruit Yogurt

2007-02-22T13:24:00.000-06:00

I pulled out my passion fruit yogurt for lunch today. I bought it especially with someone in mind so that I would think of the passion I have for her as I ate it. I can't say much for the yogurt itself. It was custard-yellow, smooth with no passion fruit bits and pieces (kinda disappointing actually), and left a slight tangy sour taste in my mouth. With nothing more to cover there, I'll move onto the passion part! :D So here's some dictionary stuff. Did you know that the word derives from the Latin 'passio' which means to suffer? It's an obsolete definition except to Catholics like Mel Gibson, but it's interesting because I think any passion might naturally bring on some suffering. I like all of these modern definitions of the word passion:

a. intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction
b. ardent affection
c. a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept
d. sexual desire
e. an object of desire or deep interest
f. an outbreak of anger

I've heard it said that one typically can stay passionate about a thing for about 3 years. I know that applies to some things in my life. I think I've lost my passion for the guitar. It used to be so intense and lasted for about that long. Maybe new passions simply eclipse old ones and we happily move on to new avenues and experiences. I think some passion runs so deeply that we cannot escape from it for a lifetime. There are countless examples of people who are passionate about a career, sport, or activity that they associate themselves with it in some way. Though life changes, a different aspect of that passion is renewed.

I didn't write this blog to talk about passion in general though. I wrote it to tell the world that my life has been full of passion like I've never experienced and to imagine what it means to remain passionate over a lifetime. My passion for her can be summed up by the words we often exchange: I love every part of her being, every cell, every particle with my whole being. But allow me to continue... I cannot distinguish what features I love more than others. Sometimes it is her eyes; sometimes it is her shapely calves; sometimes it is the darker hair on her lower back, sometimes it is her pale white skin, sometimes it is her lower row of teeth that aren't straight. I love every feature that most would find beautiful and every feature that most would say is flawed. I love every strength and every weakness; I love her because she is perfectly imperfect. I want to know everything about her life, from all the details in her past to what she's thinking and experiencing right now. I want to consume and be consumed by her. I want to please her always. I never want to be away from her. I want to make love to her again and again and again. I fantasize about a million ways to bring her safety, happiness, joy and pleasure. I have never experienced such profound emotions as I have with her, from the deepest sexual desires and the widest variety of expressing those desires, the greatest joy of just being alive and next to the one you love, deep shame and guilt for a wrong done to her, anger and hurt for a wrong done by her.

Have I convinced you of my passion?

Only time will tell where our passion will go from here. No doubt the razor-edged emotions will slowly dull with repeated experience. Nuerobiology tells me this naturally happens. My experience tells me that passion can remain as long as compatibility, respect and caring love remain intact. My plan is to use my imagination, my creative mental and physical energy to find new ways to love her and express it to her. My hope is that I have found a partner who will naturally respawn my passion as life brings us ever new experiences and as we grow old together we'll find ourselves in an inescapable trough of love that our passion has carved deeply into our souls.

The Sea

2007-02-15T14:30:00.001-06:00

I met her, warm and inviting, at the mid-span of my life. Dark waves, falling on fine white sand, softly shaped her boundaries along a shore I'd never walked before. Seeming to smile through sun-sparkled blueness, I walked happily along her frothy waters tickling my feet like a childhood friend. Mesmerized by her swells, as full and round as a voluptuous bosom, I steered my path ever deeper as her body wrapped gently around mine. Eventually I left the shore to ride upon those undulating billows, surrounding myself with the sun and water, burying my face in her waves, the world around me disappearing. In time I have come to know her well. In the morning she is mostly calm and quiet, slowly percolating to a brothy stir as the sun rises toward its high point. Afternoon brings her to full motion, white caps whipping, waves wild, sometimes going in every direction. Often time she wakes me at night with a great squall; I hold on tightly, doing all I can to ride out her storms until she is calm again and holds me blissfully until I find sleep. Mostly I enjoy her cyclic ways. I pass the days rising and falling with her, life changing and constant at once. She naturally cradles and grows the life that springs from her depths. Untold wisdom must surely accumulate somewhere within her from the experiences of the life she witnesses and shapes. I try daily to dive beneath the surface. Fully wet and warm I feel one with her there. She never seems to tire of my frolicking, playful ways. My love for the sea grows continually, to depths only known by her unfathomable floors. I long to spend my days sailing with her, the winds of life blowing us to shores both strange and familiar.

I love you, C

Sleep Aids...

2007-01-28T22:05:00.000-06:00

Bananas
Chamomile Tea
Warm Milk
Honey
Potatoes
Oatmeal
Almonds
Flaxseeds
Whole-wheat Bread
Turkey
Doxylamine Succinate

My Lovah!

2007-01-16T21:57:00.000-06:00

Meet C! Beautiful, smart, sexy and... she loves me!

The Big To-Do List for 2007

2007-01-09T17:46:00.000-06:00

Love and connect with my children
Find happiness in being a bachelor

Love and connect with my children:

Get in their business, gently, and let them know what I think is right
Cook great meals (some new ones too); make them help
Decorate and arrange my apartment to make it feel more like a home. Buy a new couch and maybe a computer
Go to every school concert and other functions
Support scouting and church outings
Help teach Elle and Scott to drive well; give them lots of opportunities to practice
Become a gamer! (kinda)
Plan and go on a hiking trip in Utah with Scott (and maybe Ben)
Play hacky and frisbee with the boys whenever possible
Workout with Scott
Find time to spend with Elle; photography shoots, concerts, music, games, puzzles

Find happiness in being a bachelor:

Find joy in the list above!
Connect with family
Stay completely unattached, short and long term, from the opposite sex (and the same sex too! hehe ;)
Live my vision of self
Develop great friends
Get my piano and fingers tuned up, and play a little guitar too
Enjoy sports and the outdoors
Work out... lots
Explore different music
Discover new foods, beer and wine
Plan great trips to France and India (on the company!)
Keep a bedtime routine and learn to sleep at least 7 hours a night.
Own a cat. Huh?!

Wow, what a list! I'm looking forward to a fresh start of 2007! Yay me!! :D

On Caring

2006-09-09T09:06:00.000-05:00

I'm probably going to state some very obvious things today. It's perhaps my simple way of thinking. But here goes... The word "care" is a very meaningful word. It attempts to capture a very basic human emotion, feeling, motivating "pre-thought". Why do I care? No, really, why care about anything? We all do, those who are "living" that is. Living is caring. The end of caring is the end of truly living. Caring is outward, giving. Caring is a building block of meaningful relationships and a fundamental element of love. The degree I care about something dictates how much I'm willing to give of myself... my time, attention, energy, money, creativity, etc. To what end does caring take me? Is it really selfless, or does the caring ultimately bring a reward? The essense of caring is selflessnes; its fruits may be plentiful or barren, but true caring shouldn't care about the rewards of caring. Given this definition how do I care about myself? I think this can be answered by seeing the self as a layered being. The core of that being is capable of caring for everthing outside itself, including the outer layers of self. The core of me cares for my body and the experiences that affect my senses, mind and emotions. Having a good balance of care for the things in life is the means to healthy and abundant living.

Right now I care about making pancakes for my two boys and my growling stomach!

g

My home state - Utah

2005-03-19T19:51:00.000-06:00

I grew up in Woodruff, a dying town of about 300 people. In fact I grew up 3 miles from that small town on the east foothills of the Cache national forest. We camped often in the mountains. I spent many many hours as a boy roaming the hills, carrying a 22 rifle, shooting at "squeekies", loving my dogs and my life. It was a unique childhood to say the least.

I've been away from Utah nearly 14 years now. My heart still aches for those hills and, of course, the innocence of youth. But as I've considered moving back, even within the last year, to be closer to my parents in their aging years I can't get over a few facts that keep me planted firmly in Iowa.

I will never repeat my childhood, or even have that for my kids. The whole wasatch valley is a metropolitan area I would rather not mess with and is the only place I'd be likely to land a job. It "sprawls" more every year. The highways seem more crowded even with the upgrades. The culture... well what can you say about the culture? I don't think I or even my family would necessary mesh well at this point. And there's a lot behind what it means to not mesh well.

So it looks for me that I will live and die in a place that's not my home state. And somehow that hurts a little. This is probably common for those who have endearing childhood memories of their home state and now live far away.

I am an atheist..

2005-03-11T17:11:00.000-06:00

I'm an Atheist. And I have problems with it, too. For example, I have a problem with being dead. That's a problem. My atheism results in a non-belief in a life after death. That sucks for me... it makes me a bit sad... However, my fear of non-existence doesn't change the fact that my non-belief system is pretty dark. In other words, my wishful thinking that life would exist after this life... you know... just on another plane... doesn't impact my morose, macabre, existentialist, dour outlook on the really bloody and ultimately unfair nature of life and the lot of the living. Which is ultimately death. And that's it. Sorry. You live and you die. THAT is provable. Everything else is shit. I CAN ASSERT THAT LIFE LEADS TO NON-EXISTANCE. Just watch me usher a cockroach into non-existence. And thus my atheism is bolstered by the chaos and cruelty I am witness to... resultant effects of life, and that all of it will end. And in that end justifies my sense that there's nothingness. The Great Abyss. Blackness. The Void. The Never. Nothingness. Don't get me wrong. There IS beauty and order. That doesn't prove anything to me other than the beauty and order are resultant effects the environment has had on whatever it is that produces a beautiful or orderly appearance. It is nothing more, like me, than a result of life's natural state of affairs. (quote from AS8 on exmosocial that sums things up pretty nicely)

Rosalie Frodsham

2005-03-09T22:51:00.000-06:00

Of mormon pioneer stock, born in 1938, she grew up in Rich county Utah. The oldest of 5 children, daughter to Wilson and Ardith Norris. She lost her dad when she was 13. A great deal of responsibility was thrust on her at that time to tend after the kids while my grandmother supported them. Eventually, the family moved to SLC where my grandma worked at the social service. She got a business degree the SLC business college. At 20 she married my father, Mark. He was lucky as she was courted by a few.

She would bear no children as my father was not able have them. My older sister and I were both adopted within about 2 years. Mother was nervous, a workaholic, meticulous, prone to health problems, and hyperclean. Mother may have been at her worst with Shirlyn; thank goodness I came along second when she no doubt had calmed down a little.

As a child I came to know her as extremely loving but also overprotective. With some childhood health issues I felt her constant worry. She let me be a boy for the most part, though dad probably had a little something to do with it.

She expressed her honest deep-felt love for me often. She loves me as much as if I were her biological son. Indeed, her love is of a different quality than most mother-son relationships. I'm not sure why that is so. Her love for me is unquestioningly unconditional.

There is a huge gap in the love we share, hers towering over mine. I can't fully explain this. I know that some children absolutely crave for a mothers love. Maybe hers has always been so plentiful that I have always taken it for granted. There are personality issues between us too, but none that I can say are large enough from preventing a full mutual exchange of love except for maybe the loss of common ground with the church. The church is her life and she has no idea how wide the divide is between us on that matter. While I fully accept her for what she does, I simply cannot reveal all of me to her. It would hurt too much. All I can do is strive to love her and show her my love for the rest of our lives.

I can honestly say, I would choose no other mother. She has molded me; she is a part of me; I love her very, very much.

g

The meaning of marriage

2005-03-06T20:00:00.000-06:00

I watched the show "Shall We Dance" last night with Jen. Not a fantastic show. Run of the mill stuff if I were asked. But it had one scene that made the 2 hours worthwhile. Susan Sarandon's character is discussing marriage with a PI she's hired to follow her husband. When discussing the purpose of marriage he comes back with a cliche. Of course her answer is deep and one that I could relate to.

Her idea is that marriage is a witness between two people of their individual lives. On a planet of billions of people a person's life can go practically unnoticed, unwitnessed. A marriage is an agreement between the partners that they will "witness" each other's lives. What does it mean to witness here. It means to stand up for that person and say: "I know more about this person than anyone. I was there on the worst day and the best and everything in between. This person counts, at least to one other person on the planet. I will stand up for and by this person. I love this person. This person means something to the universe because she means something to me." I suppose famial relationships have this "agreement" implicitly. But through finding someone outside family to witness our lives, we find the "other"; we find the world has taken notice and it is fulfilling. It is obvious then that the more open we are with our partner, the more powerful a witness they become for us. The more hidden and sheltered our lives become from our personal witness, their testament is weakened and meaning is lost.

g

Good for Nothing

2005-02-12T16:17:00.000-06:00

It's always been a negative phrase to me until today. Then I flipped it upside down and meaning spilled all over my mind. To be good for no god, no commandment, no reward, no threat, no person, no reason, no thing. Just to be good like the sun or a pretty flower or oxygen or a smile. A person who is good for nothing is truly the essence of goodness.

Boring , little planet earth of amoeba

2005-02-06T21:32:00.000-06:00

What do you get when you leave 100 plus elements, some of them highly reactive, in one place around a heat source varying within moderate temperatures at two highly cyclic frequencies and wait 4.5 billion years?

Yep, a most incredible array of organisms and artifacts.

Once you get past the question of "why is there anything at all?" life really shouldn't be surprising. For all I know this wonderous biosphere is rather boring compared to other worlds in this universe, especially bland considering a multitude of universes. Let's try just one...

Energy flows out of a singularity at the rate of 1000 milkyway-galaxy-mass units per second. It's been creating a super universe for 250 trillion years. Baby universes appear and disappear within the expanse, their physics perturbing neighboring universes. The mixing of two of these universes has been ongoing for 800 billion years. Streams of energy pulse and eventually form into twirling hollow toroids, the walls formed by coalescing "gases" that ignite into a regular matrix of "stars". In comparison to the diameter, the toroid walls are like rice paper forming a ring around the milkyway galaxy at the sun's radial position. But the density of stars at the wall create the cohesive structure. The pattern of the stars slowly but continually change as the stars live, die, and interact. The interactions of the dynamic star matrix creates a residue of "particles" that form on the very edges of these very thin walls of the toroid. The particles, the average size being about the same as our solar system, float above the star matrix. The particles are trapped in a zone of gravity-like attraction by the star matrices and their velocity traveling on the outer edges of the wall. While most particles travel in a chaotic manner, some are periodic. On one of these particles, it has been going regularly back and forth between its two extents of travel for 30 billion years. The particle itself is formed by 10,000,000 "worlds" varying in size and shape, the physics allowing for a loose, soupy mixture of solid, semi-solid, liquid and gas. Though the worlds interact in complex way, the surface worlds have long established a cyclic dance with each other. "Molecules" and "organisms" have evolved. Heiarchy upon heiarchy of organisms have seen the face of the star matrix and found extinction too. Insect like aliens invade world-regions of relatively helpless creatures. Some worlds are hijacked by mindless parasites, waves of destruction rage across hundreds of worlds. Subsurface worlds see an entirely new strain of life that eventually oozes onto the surface worlds. 500,000 living worlds combine in a process of creation. Intelligent beings reign for eons. Cultures and technologies are lost to time only to rise again in other races of super intelligent beings. Some exist long enough to be known as gods.

Who knows, maybe that universe is out there, somewhere. Makes earth look pretty small. Well, earth is small and I'm a small part of that. I am a little amoeba making other amoeba with my amoeba wife all the while trying to enjoy our short amoeba lives. Granted I'm a self-aware amoeba with some pretty nifty attributes like the ability to imagine, compute, think logically and abstractly, analyze past behavior/events and modify current behavior/events, show care and empathy for other amoeba and sub-amoeba things. Impressive compared to my servant amoeba-dog, but perhaps not that much more than my cousin, the amoeba-bonobo.

What's a sentient amoeba to do?

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An invitation to grieve

2005-01-29T09:43:00.000-06:00

Put away your birthright, your politics and your religion. Look in the mirror at yourself, as only a human being and grieve with me. Born in a violent world, we remain violent creatures. Violence begats violence, an awful renewal from generation to generation defies hope and aspiration for a better world. Grieve my generation, never to rise above the willingness to kill. There is no hope in religion that expects the world to be just as it is. The only hope is for the next world, beyond faith for some. Sages torture us with visions of peace while followers pervert the essence of their message.

Look at the little girl. Let the reality of her tragedy join with every other tragedy of human failing and weakness. Grieve with me and then choose... choose to live and let live, choose to never kill.

[Information on this picture.]

Lyric about friends

2005-01-18T22:38:00.000-06:00

slick on the roads but no matter
a hand and back for friends on the move
a strain and grunt, a wince and cuss
fishtanks, sofas, and chairs of love
quietly, coldly sit, a duty suspended
thanks to me just a token swig
fog rolls in, a beer stained mind
from guitar stroke time was taken
for human bonds to someday break
A wise investement, I could say no
but meaning found at least for today

Seeing the End

2005-01-17T19:18:00.000-06:00

Isn't seeing the end, the essense of what we humans are, at least in the most metaphysical ways? The realization of mortality - the source of philosophy, religion and life insurance of course. It's interesting that the most frightening thought I've had, and I've had it since I was a small boy, was not of my mortality, but of the possibility of immortatility, of never ending. That thought, a kind of recursive thought, would bring me to tears. And though I haven't thought that deeply about living forever in a long time, I'm sure it's the most frightening thing to me still. I spend much more time now thinking about what it means for life to be temporary. Somehow it's easier for me to accept than the prospects of eternal life. It seems more natural. It is more natural, I see it everyday: my folks' neighbor dies in Wyoming on I-80 last Thursday, 5 skiers in Utah die under an avalanche, a tsunami wipes out 175,000 in Southeast Asia. Mortality indeed.

Why seeing the end isn't a bigger motivator to live each day to the fullest is a mystery to me, especially knowing at middle age just how fast time goes by. (Then again "live each day to the fullest" is an expression I'll have to disect another day. I think it's probably a stupid thing to try and do.) The point is, seeing the end should make me think about what the hell I'm doing right now. Can I do something better with my time than write in a blog that means nothing to the world. I can probably live without the self-help exercise too. Well, it's about time for me to jump on my "nothing matters" train and forgive myself of all things trite in my life. For me the end is the end, thankfully

g.

A concert at the Reverb

2005-01-15T08:33:00.000-06:00

Upstairs it's dark and smokey, a natural habitat for punks and drunks. For my kids? No way. The draw - Jupiter Sunrise, made up of four talented California twenty-something musicians. There we were, at an unexpected event: the four of us (almost 5 except for Ben being only 10) rocking out to music that was both new and old to me - a mixture of Rush in the story-telling lyrics and the vocals occasionaly sounding like Yes' lead man Jon Anderson - a great blend that I warmed to immediately. I couldn't have seen this coming, this connection, this memory in the making. The intimate crowd moshing with musical energy on stage and off. Magic in the most unlikely of settings.

Notes to self

2005-01-15T08:03:00.000-06:00

There may be a god, but why does that necessarily make me immortal?
Be good for nothing

Playing basketball

2005-01-15T07:49:00.000-06:00

Could there be any question it's my fav sport to play. I'm not that good, but playing the fundamentals goes a long way... passing, blocking out, rebounding, good shot selection. It all adds up to solid play. I would rarely turn down a chance to compete (I know when I'm outclassed though).

Yesterday I found myself at the CF rec. center with Scott. I took the afternoon off to unthaw my frozen van after the garage door was left up and it hit 10 below (and weak antifreeze! :( ) That took about an hour so we headed over to have a workout. We've worked out a couple of times now and I enjoy doing it with him. He's willing to try anything, listens, and works hard. He'll lift more than me someday I'm sure. Afterward I shot around in the new gym. The floor, backboards, lighting all lend to a great court to play on. We shot around a little bit and then challenged Scotts friends to (Kyle and Shane) to a friendly game to 11. They wiped the floor with us. We blamed it on being tired from our lift, poor shoes, glasses... and some lack of skill. Despite the loss, it was fun just to compete. I know I don't have too many years to do that... 15 tops. I want to take advantage of every opportunity.

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Sledding today.

2005-01-05T22:31:00.000-06:00

Took 1/2 day off to go sledding. With 12" of snow on the ground and the kids "grounded" from school (again!) we wento Satori and had fun for about 45'. My but is sore from landing on it hard 2 or 3 times. It was fun to feel like a kid. I'm sure I looked strange though. Hot drinks at the Pottery place wrapped up the afternoon. The breaks just keep on coming and the kids are spoiled to be off so much school.

Light Alcohol Use Doesn't Raise Stroke Risk

2005-01-05T18:54:00.000-06:00

Yahoo! News - Light Alcohol Use Doesn't Raise Stroke Risk:

"limiting consumption to just three to four days per week reduced the risk by 32 percent compared with not drinking at all.
Subjects who drank moderate amounts of red wine on a regular basis were 39 percent less likely to have a stroke than those who didn't drink. The benefit was not seen for white wine, beer or liquor.
'Our findings directly support current public health recommendations stating that men should consume fewer than two drinks per day to help prevent ischemic stroke,' the authors note. 'At the same time, our findings support the safety of continued light alcohol consumption among adults who have been able to appropriately regulate the quantity and timing of their alcohol use.'
SOURCE: Annals of Internal Medicine, January 4, 2005 "

2005-01-05T07:50:00.000-06:00

A bite out of the good life... see previous story!

Living in the middle

2005-01-04T22:24:00.000-06:00

What does it take to live? First the basics: food, water, shelter, clothes. When I say "live" in this case it means survive of course. The other end of the "to live" spectrum is "live it up". To "live it up" is to be surrounded by the best of things: friends, food, surroundings. It's like living a in a temporary paradise. Most of the time we live somewhere in the middle, hopefully with all the survival covered with a little paradise in there too. If we go to one extremely or the other for long it's not good. A "Snowy Owl" survival trip is only fun for one maybe two days. How long could you stay on a cruise? A week (me)? A month (my sister)? Certainly not a year; that would be a chore indeed, plus fattening!

Living in the middle is the best, with a thick piece of whole wheat bread, and butter and jam on top. All butter and jam? Just a lick thank you very much. Nothing but bread? Filling but far from satisfying. I need both the jam and bread. For the most part that is just what life offers me. It's a great age to be alive in America.

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New Blog for the family

2005-01-03T22:03:00.000-06:00

We'll see if it takes off!?

My feet are cold
My eyes and brain are tired
My will and fingers want to write

Could be a typical blog feeling

It's all about vision

2005-01-02T22:54:00.000-06:00

Great people have visions. They see the future, hold it in their minds eye. I'm convinced this is the essence of creation. The essence is not the assembly of the the nuts and bolts. Now for a vision of my blog. What the hell will it become? Anything interesting. Not that I give a shit that someone else reads it and thinks "cool, man" (ok, I give a little poop about that). What I want is to look back 10 years from now and look at a creation and find myself thinking "wow! I did that?!". So how do I get the vision? Desire, passion, concentration, time... and "something" magical.

Vision

For 2005...

2005-01-01T08:55:00.000-06:00

I haven't set new years resolutions for a few years. As a movie I watched last night pointed out: if you don't set them, you're never disappointed in never having achieved the goal. That's true and partially why I haven't. The other reason is counter-upbringing. American culture, particular mormon subculture, is very goal-setting oriented. While I can't deny that's a positive thing, it doesn't fit very well for the person who wants to be in "drift mode". There's been a certain amount of directionlessness about my life for sure since leaving the church. Some of that's been intentional, most of it is just the natural processes of redefining oneself. The topic of resolutions came up with the Stones (Mike and Cheryl) on a date a week or so ago. Somehow the conversation spurred my mind into starting a list. So here's a somewhat tepid attempt at resolutions for 2005 ( I know... tepid resolution, oxymoron!):

OK, I just can't bring myself to compile a list! Maybe it's just the mood, maybe it's deeper. I honestly have been thinking about it though! Some things that have come to mind are studying about and seeing an opera, starting a journal (blog), starting a ME program (becoming more career minded). Those are the first things that hit me before having to stop and think. That probably means I'm done. Doing all 3 would be a fantastic.

Enough about resolutions... it's wearing me out! :)

My Favorite Movies

2004-12-31T23:50:00.000-06:00

Not ranked (kinda)...

Matrix
Pulp Fiction
Close Encounters
Alien
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
American Beauty
Moulin Rouge
Cool Hand Luke
Memento
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Star Wars
Shorty
2001: A Space Odessy
Jaws
Fargo
Terminator
Toy Story 1&2
Little Mermaid
Beauty and the Beast
Shrek
Young Frankenstein
Snatch
Whale Rider
Planet of the Apes
It's a Wonderful Life
Grinch Who Stole Christmas
Ace Ventura
Forrest Gump

A start

2004-12-31T03:19:00.000-06:00

The end of 2004. It should be obvious what I'm up to tonight. A new year, my 40th one. 40 is a doozie, no question about it. Sobering. I hope to age gracefully. That should be easy on the outside. It's on the inside that will be tough. The battle begins.

All in all, I'm in good shape at the halfway point. Great family, good job, good health. What else is there, except about 95% of the stuff I have no control over. Just let it all go and live day-to-day. So on that theme, I won't make any attempt at a mid-life recap. I'll just say that this Christmas has been a goodie. A good bonus with little stress from work, lots of quiet stay-at-home time. The annivesary was great. Des Moines, Embassy Suites, Splash (fantastic seafood, the garlic mash potatoes and creole sauce with scallops were to die for), shopping and The Phantom of the Opera. I'm ready for a new year, new glasses, new leather jacket and some zeal for life... I haven't felt this good in a long time.

Hope this turns into a good thing!